Panic Attack

Sometimes I get overcharged,
that’s when you see sparks.
They ask me where the hell I’m going?
At a 1000 feet per second,

hey man, slow down, slow down,
idiot, slow down, slow down.
Thom Yorke – The Tourist

I was seventeen when I had my first panic attack. Oddly enough, I was merely lazing around like a bum sitting in front of the TV. Then, as if the leaky dam suddenly failed and water blasted through, dozens of thoughts began to explode in my head. Every thought I had ever had seemed to pass through me in that short moment. My first car accident, the third place prize I won for an essay I wrote in the 2nd grade, the Enlightenment era, how Batman cartoons sucked since they moved to the WB, inevitable death, the face of a cute girl I had seen earlier that day, the euphemisms of Winston Churchill, final exams, the SATs… my brain was overloading.

This panic attack, like many others, was more than just mental. Soon enough my chest was getting squeezed and breaths became short and sporadic. My heart was racing and it soon felt like an 8th grade marching band practice, out of tune and lacking rhythm, was taking place inside my chest. I always hated marching bands. I couldn’t even sit still, my feet were tapping, hands shaking, and I had to get up and pace around. Finally, I was exhausted and crashed on my bed.

Panic Attacks Don’t Have Friends

The worst thing about panic attacks is that you’re simply frightened of having them again. This fright leads you to restrict yourself in everyday situations. Highly social events, final exams, large presentations, job interviews – no situation is unsusceptible. You continuously hold yourself back from a perceived risk of over-exposure. Unfortunately, if these restrictions are challenged… well you’ll have a panic attack. With panic disorder, it’s almost as if the cause and the effect are one of the same.

Panic Attacks Are Motherless

The other thing about panic attacks is that you don’t really know where they came from or what the initial trigger is. At the time I was going through a phase of self-improvement. I was focused on ending my high-school life on a good note. I was adjusting after a significant loss that reshaped my views of success. But if I had to place a bet, it’d be on my attempt to control what a few people had labelled as a “temper problem”. My method, suppressing my initial reaction and thoughts – contemplating everything internally and deciding whether or not to let it out. All this quelled my temper but it also involved finding new ways to vent which I probably wasn’t good at in the beginning. Too many pent up thoughts without an outlet for release sounds like a good cause for a panic attack if you ask me.

Panic Attacks Are Unjustified & Profitable

After that initial experience in high-school my panic attacks would come back every few months without any warning at all. In college I participated in a study that was examining the relationship between asthma and panic disorder. The study paid $25 per visit, at 5 visits, for a total of $125. Perfect! I had asthma, had a few panic attacks, and was a broke student so I signed up.
During my third visit and $50 later, the doctor conducting the tests told me that she would attempt to induce a panic attack. We sat in a small room where every furniture and fixture was white. She sat me in a swivel chair and asked me to close my eyes as she began to spin the chair around. At first it felt ridiculous and completely ineffective but then when I least expected it, she switched the direction I was turning in. Then the chair stopped abruptly and I opened my eyes in a tiny room that was sterile white. Claustrophobia kicked in and I was dizzy and light headed. The panic attack hit hard.

Things To Know About Panic Attacks
Short-term

• This will end soon and you will not die, at least not from this.
• Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
• Focus on one neutral thought – it doesn’t matter which. You just don’t want to get too excited or too upset.

Longterm

• Make lists and prioritize. Organization can help when there’s too much piling up.
• Exercise. Not only does it clear your head but it keeps your heart and lungs healthy.
• Do breathing exercises. This isn’t just for the hippy yoga lovers. Breathing keeps you alive and other than releasing waste it’s the only bodily function you can control.
• Get things off of your chest. Write it down, tell it to a friend, paint it, sing it, do something but just let it out. I’m not certain, but I’m pretty sure there’s no point in having feelings if you are going to hide them.

Not many people that I know share my endearing relationship with panic attacks. If they do, they usually don’t speak of their problems and they sure as hell don’t give out the cure if they know it. If you’ve had one, know anything about them, or even if you think that they’re for sissies then please let me know. In fact, I hear that there’s a really nice comment section below. How nice of me.